Heart at war

To err, is to be human. The problem with vulnerability, is that it produces fear. And from there, my ability and readiness to protect my own heart.
(Photo: Herman Pauccara-Frozen Wave Against Sunlight: Pexels.com)


I often wonder lately – is my heart at war, or is war in my heart? What is war? I mean really, countless wars are fought all over the world; civil war in other war-torn countries is paramount. I’m not talking about those wars; it’s my own inner war that I’m going to carry on about. My own heart-torn war.
 
As a spiritual practitioner, I have access to past-life memories. And I remember. All too well. Sins of karmic past won’t be easily maneuvered around. Of those of you reading this, perhaps if only a few, or even if only one of you can relate, well then, I’ve done my job. Remembering my past-lives’ actions isn’t easy. In fact, it’s painful. Remembering battles, I fought in the 13th and 14th centuries as a knight in northern Europe, and beheading and conquering during those gruesome acts, isn’t something to be proud of.
 
Yet strangely, the act of fighting is as natural to me as breathing. Back then, it was to fight for king and country. Now? What do I fight for? Today, April 5, 2019? As I write this, I hear my dolphin wind chimes as they clash, twist, and rub against each other – the music enchanting, beautiful, crisp, and yet calming at the same time. The raging wind casts long shadows of tree branches and small leaf buds as they prepare to spring into life soon – a birth of sorts. A refreshing breeze cleanses and releases the stuffiness of vestiges of winter through my open windows.
 
Today, right now, what am I fighting for? All of that. My right to be human. To allow myself the privilege of feeling. To feel peace as the music of wind chimes fills my living space; to hear the beautiful music of birds as they celebrate the spring, warmth, and summer soon on its way. To give myself permission to feel confusion; that which only the heart can create in such a perfect and chaotic state. And this is where the clash happens – peace and war – war and peace. It’s as if I tell myself I can’t dare to be at odds with myself or others – after all, I strive for spiritual enlightenment. It’s as if I can’t’ be human. And yet, it’s within that vulnerability that peace and wisdom spring forth. To err, is to be human. The problem with vulnerability, is that it produces fear. And from there, my ability and readiness to protect my own heart. A vicious cycle. Yet I insist I can be a peaceful warrior. And that is what my challenge is this year, 2019. What’s yours?
Many blessings,
Sandi




































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Heavenly

(Royalty free pics from Pixabay; arid canyon

It’s a tail spin

reeling you in

a fight you

don’t understand

and never asked

to land

And you cringe

at the far edges you hang

at the fringe

the cliff high

your chin scrapes

against the crumbling rock

You find your footing

sound of rock breaking

sound of your fear choking

and your foot slips

in desperation

did you find the right spot?

Where your foot holds

and your body tenses

against the tight mold

that is your mind

as you fight to stay alive

and all for what?

The right to say what is real

what is true

who is you

right on cue

to be punished

to be hung

But your foot is on the right rung

as you hang in the balance

help comes

is it heavenly?

Ii it humanly?

or is it you saving yourself?

©Sandi Martinez

For the Sake of the Unknown

(Color Cosmos from Royalty Free images)

by Marissa Martinez, Special Guest Blogger, Poet

When you fall off the edge

And you hit a wall

Suddenly you can’t breathe

The fear and the stress that build up inside you

Suddenly boils over

Spilling on to all that surrounds you

Making a mess

But then a gentle hand reaches out to touch you

You turn your back too embarrassed

Confusion

Confinement

Now all that left is

Confession

Spilling your guts to the unknown hand

The hand touches your shoulder And now you fall apart

I’m honored to post a beautiful poem written by my niece, Marissa Martinez, adaptation from, For the Sake of the Strangers” by Dorianne Laux.

This was a class assignment in her Creative Writing class on September 26, 2018. I’m very proud of her, and I might add… gifted poets just might run in the family! Thank you Marissa for sharing your poem, and look forward to sharing more in the future, I love you sweetie! -Auntie Sandi

No Excuses…

turtle

Shame on me… my last post appears to be in December of 2017. So, why post now? Four months later?

While I may have no excuses, I suppose I have my reasons. Creativity poses not only opportunities to express, but also, to stop; in stillness  – to look around, to listen to something, albeit a lot of nothing. I think this is where meditation comes in. So why tie meditation and creativity together in this oddball way?

Doesn’t an artist simply splash a bunch of their genius on canvas at any time during the day or night? With nothing to stop or distract from the creative  process? I wish I could give plenty of answers or reasons why an artist, regardless of the medium, creates their best, or worst work…

The turtle may take its sweet time to get from point A, to point B, and in doing so, wastes no time in asking the how’s or why’s in life. I can hazard a guess as to what the turtle is really thinking: Get there in one piece, and watch out for anything that might tip me over…

“Anything that may tip me over”. And that’s where I came to complete stop.

I’ve spent a great deal of the last part of 2017, getting turned back over. Life, challenges, obstacles, self-trepidation, self-delusion, and self-forgiveness led me here – now – to a place of peace. Alas, 2018 has been about peace. The maintenance, nurturing, and suckling of peace, in all areas of my life. Does this mean I only create when there is chaos, confusion, and bunch of badness in my life? Yes and no. The reality is, where there is black, there is white. Evil, there is a sacred energy flowing through everything and everyone. Where there is good, there is bad. A negative has its positive.

Creativity’s job, is to present these energies in their truest forms. I can see better when I have a full unobstructed view of what’s real and what isn’t. Therefore, I create with full expression – unanswerable to all that would require an explanation of the unexplainable. And this is where I will leave it… the quest to express without prejudice, the beauty of all that is, coming to be, and all that is yet to be born – whether good, evil, black, white, and in color.

Many blessings,

Sandi

Shades

waterfall

Shades of blue

reflect what is not you

and the lightest of hues

become what used to be

me

and all along the illusion

became real

a short distance of time

tricked me that you were mine –

the other part of me

that could see

colors dance

vibrant and bright

the lines no longer blurred

this is me,

the me I lost

the me I see

doesn’t belong to anyone

else but

… me

the colors no longer lost

the beauty all around

me, you, all nature within us

©Sandi Martinez

 

Hope Knocks

rainbow_450 pix

And I looked down

and my feet were brown

stained by dirt, and mud

my chin hit my chest

… a loud thud

and I cried

I reached out to thin air

the stuck breaths… I tried

to breathe, to leave

and find myself

 

To put all my troubles on the

top shelf

but the more I walked

my knees locked

my head a big bad mess

would the sadness stop,

become less?

 

Then I saw the streaks

yellow, blue, teak

and the rainbow broke through

and I saw you – my angel

nothing more to do

 

All this time, you were my cue

now I know

the mud will come off

my head will come back up

hope knocks

the door unlocked

 

©Sandi Martinez

Wingless

bird-nest-eggs-blue-158734

I float, skies are brilliant blue

how do I get back to you

me, the reflection stares back

pointing fingers in mid-flight

sideways, up, down,

How do I get back to you, ME…

The air feels smooth, cool

Do I want to come back to Me, You

The reflections smears

Fingerprints unknown

How do I get back to me?

Do I land now, how?

Wingless I left

Wingless I return

No way to land safely

The ground gets closer

I close my eyes

You cheer me on, ME

I can no longer see clearly

My eyes closed,

I come in for the landing

Dirt, rocks, brush, you, YOU, finally you…

©Sandi Martinez

 

 

A Look Back

WP Snow_Pecos.jpg[Photo Credit: Sandi Martinez]

Wind stops

snow flakes sparkle

seconds pass

spurs on mind’s chaos

winter coats the ground

a crunch underfoot

soon sprouts of green

will grow

just as my thoughts turn to snow

A look back

no better than before

better to know

nowhere to go

but back around

to solid, wet ground

back around to a past

come back around

the cold blows

my mind

knows

time

to

go

by Sandi Martinez