Heart at war

To err, is to be human. The problem with vulnerability, is that it produces fear. And from there, my ability and readiness to protect my own heart.
(Photo: Herman Pauccara-Frozen Wave Against Sunlight: Pexels.com)

I often wonder lately – is my heart at war, or is war in my heart? What is war? I mean really, countless wars are fought all over the world; civil war in other war-torn countries is paramount. I’m not talking about those wars; it’s my own inner war that I’m going to carry on about. My own heart-torn war.
As a spiritual practitioner, I have access to past-life memories. And I remember. All too well. Sins of karmic past won’t be easily maneuvered around. Of those of you reading this, perhaps if only a few, or even if only one of you can relate, well then, I’ve done my job. Remembering my past-lives’ actions isn’t easy. In fact, it’s painful. Remembering battles, I fought in the 13th and 14th centuries as a knight in northern Europe, and beheading and conquering during those gruesome acts, isn’t something to be proud of.
Yet strangely, the act of fighting is as natural to me as breathing. Back then, it was to fight for king and country. Now? What do I fight for? Today, April 5, 2019? As I write this, I hear my dolphin wind chimes as they clash, twist, and rub against each other – the music enchanting, beautiful, crisp, and yet calming at the same time. The raging wind casts long shadows of tree branches and small leaf buds as they prepare to spring into life soon – a birth of sorts. A refreshing breeze cleanses and releases the stuffiness of vestiges of winter through my open windows.
Today, right now, what am I fighting for? All of that. My right to be human. To allow myself the privilege of feeling. To feel peace as the music of wind chimes fills my living space; to hear the beautiful music of birds as they celebrate the spring, warmth, and summer soon on its way. To give myself permission to feel confusion; that which only the heart can create in such a perfect and chaotic state. And this is where the clash happens – peace and war – war and peace. It’s as if I tell myself I can’t dare to be at odds with myself or others – after all, I strive for spiritual enlightenment. It’s as if I can’t’ be human. And yet, it’s within that vulnerability that peace and wisdom spring forth. To err, is to be human. The problem with vulnerability, is that it produces fear. And from there, my ability and readiness to protect my own heart. A vicious cycle. Yet I insist I can be a peaceful warrior. And that is what my challenge is this year, 2019. What’s yours?
Many blessings,



(Royalty free pics from Pixabay; arid canyon

It’s a tail spin

reeling you in

a fight you

don’t understand

and never asked

to land

And you cringe

at the far edges you hang

at the fringe

the cliff high

your chin scrapes

against the crumbling rock

You find your footing

sound of rock breaking

sound of your fear choking

and your foot slips

in desperation

did you find the right spot?

Where your foot holds

and your body tenses

against the tight mold

that is your mind

as you fight to stay alive

and all for what?

The right to say what is real

what is true

who is you

right on cue

to be punished

to be hung

But your foot is on the right rung

as you hang in the balance

help comes

is it heavenly?

Ii it humanly?

or is it you saving yourself?

©Sandi Martinez

Too long

Double rainbow… (Image: Sandi Martinez)

Subtlety has never been a big strength of mine. In fact, I’m always ready to give anyone and everyone whom I interact with, a steady dose of frankness. I couldn’t possible do it any other way. And so it’s for this reason, I write frankly – now.

I couldn’t get into my WordPress account and failed miserably every time I tried. And so today, a miracle happened… First, I decided not to give up so easily and kept trying until it worked. Second, I realized I had made too many excuses. See, I’ve started my second installment to my trilogy, Divine Wars; the Awakening. However, I’ve not been writing like I know I should. Like all other writers will tell you, write, write, and write, even if just a paragraph, or half a page, or a whole page… though I wholly agree, I must say, it’s never that easy.

And of course anything else I say, will just sound like more excuses. So I’ll be honest. I started off on the wrong foot. I let my ego take the driver’s side rather than follow the magical and easy way that creativity makes its way though me; lightning that strikes deep within. Words I don’t try hard to put together, are suddenly strung snugly and wound tight around each other, as the words flow. The result? A rich story I could have never written on my own – my ego is too full of itself for that – yet as I write this, I feel whole again. Even this one entry, so few words, gives me hope and inspiration to keep going. I share this with all of you creators… don’t be hard on yourself, just don’t give up. Whatever you do, keep writing, keep painting, keep dancing, keep creating music, open your heart to the divine, and know a wellspring of magic awaits to pour from you and out to the world. Don’t be greedy… like I’ve been.


Many blessings,  Sandi

On Pause


Very recently, I had stopped by a gas station on my way to work to buy a breakfast burrito. Well, as I am preparing to open the door, there was a man who looked strangely at me. I wondered why. I am not a big preen queen, but I know I didn’t look that scary… then I realized it wasn’t me he was looking at. As I continue to write my Divine Wars trilogy, I am ever surprised at the closeness and love that I am experiencing on a daily basis with my guardian angels.

The man wasn’t looking at me, he was looking at one of my angel’s who appeared very big and frightening. And so when his eyes widened it had to be a surprise to see them. I say ‘them’ because I don’t really know how many were with me. I felt the presences of archangel Michael, but I couldn’t be sure. I almost felt a pang of jealousy that the stranger could see him, and I couldn’t. That’s how it is, I can sense and hear them – communicate fully with them – but I can never really see them. I think maybe it’s better that way.

However, going back to the man. I opened the door, and he carefully sidestepped me. I couldn’t figure out if maybe I was in danger, or something. The man looked a bit shady, but I try not to judge the book by its cover. I just want to remind all of you that your guardian angels are real. They love you and protect you always.

I wonder if they ever think we are selfish and spoiled humans? I know when I have my conversations with my angels they are very loving, gentle, and kind. In order to forge a relationship with your angels, it’s imperative that you not think bad or negative thoughts about yourself. You are not crazy, you are not insane or ‘losing it’. You simply are awakening… reach out to your guardians… they are real. They are really, really, real.

-Many blessings, Sandi

The Forgotten Sacred

In the midst of despair at the end of the day, or even the beginning, do we express gratitude... (Image: Sandi)
In the midst of despair at the end of the day, or even the beginning, do we express gratitude… (Image: Sandi)

In this fast-moving, chaotic world we inhabit, have we forgotten the simple things? When we are exhausted from a hard day’s work, when we feel perhaps bombarded with burdensome tasks, and even failure, what do we reach out to for spiritual sustenance?

In the glass of wine we hold in our hands, or even a ‘stiff’ drink, do we hold it up in thanks to the source? (Higher power, God, Creator) Or do we wallow, or even drown in the liquid? In the midst of despair at the end of the day, or even the beginning, do we express gratitude, for having another day to try, and try again, even if it looks and feels like failure?

When we sit on our back porch, a park bench, or the curb of a sidewalk, do we revel in the breeze that carries the oxygen we breathe and need to survive? (Smog and all?)

Do we notice the lizards, bugs, ants, spiders, and all creepy-crawly things around us, and remember that they too have a right to live?

Every morning, the first thing I do when I rise, is offer up my glass of water to my source, and give thanks for another day – I sip from the cup – water of life; and despite the nightmares I may have suffered, or a bad night’s sleep, I can’t help but wonder what the day ahead brings, and all the other good things that might meet me around the corner.

What about you? What is your sacred? What do you give thanks for? Will you?

Life is sacred…

Pain and Grace

Unexpected beauty in the midst of hellish musings. (Image: Sandi's)
Unexpected beauty in the midst of hellish musings. (Image: Sandi’s)

There is no way I can honestly get away from the truth; it seems all kinds of cool things have been happening on my walks at work. Today, I was honored by this Monarch’s presence. During my walk, I had played a video about a vet who had filmed his heartbreak over the death of a kitten, on Facebook. Now, I’m not a Facebooker… Never have been, and never will be, but truly, I relish these kinds of posts. To see the vet, click Abused Kitten Passes Away.

There are subtitles for those who don’t understand the language he speaks. I was fuming by the time I rounded the corner of the parking lot near my office. But seconds later, I saw the butterfly. I wondered, WTF? Then I flashed back to his anguish – the vet – and thought, this man is so incredibly brave to express his devastation. He admits he’s no saint, but how can anyone who calls themselves human, do such a horrific thing?

This brings me to a few things I am grateful for: One, I thank God for people like the vet; everyday, they see horrors we could never imagine, and yet, also experience amazing miracles. Two, I thank God there are caring humans out there; they are the ones who take in stray cats, dogs, find homes for our larger animal friends, like horses, goats, etc… There are people like me who give free psychic readings to those who donate over $20 to animal rescue orgs, and so many amazing animal rescue organizations all over the world. And finally, to our faith, trust, and balls in forging forward in a world that is filled with evil and yet gets stomped out by the light every time.

The butterfly is quite an amazing creature (I say this with love). There are so many facets to the their beauty, I won’t spend too much time naming them. One thing remains clear: There is grace to be found in the ugliness of this world, and pain unmasked by simplicity, love, and cajones… BIG ONES.

The true gifts of ‘catch and release’

Abiquiu Lake, New Mexico (Image: Sandi)
Abiquiu Lake, New Mexico (Image: Sandi)

A little over a month has gone by now since I published my book, Divine Wars; the Awakening. And though I’ve started the second installment in a trilogy, I am at a loss as to how to proceed. You see, the awakening happened at a time in my life when I literally was ‘waking up’. I should tone it down though by being more honest and casting it in the light that it really shines: I began heavily shifting from one mindset to several. I no longer lived an ordinary life. By that I mean, not only was I doing my daily duties at my job, my home, and other important tasks that called my attention – I began to feel and live the other dimensions – the ones that we pass by so happily ignorantly in bliss.

I don’t like admitting that I can no longer write in the same capacity as I had been. It took me a year and four months to write the awakening. Now, it seems I live my life battling divine wars in one way or another. By the way, a priest, or other clergies of the church might know exactly what I’m talking about. The conundrum, is I am no priest, nun, or clergy of the church as we know it. I simply am me, seeing and feeling my way through life in ways that others simply don’t, or aren’t capable of. Not because they are not able to, but because they have not awakened.

So, I live my life now, trying to strike a balance. A job, my home, my writing, and not necessarily in that order. The second installment calls for extreme measures. A writing schedule (though not of any doing of my own) must be hatched carefully. My divine guardians are patient, but for how much longer? My divine guidance is potent, but how am I to reign it in, and make the most of a story that has already been written?

Angels and demons, the war continues, and has been quite alive and well since the day it started. My divine muse comes in many different shapes and sizes, and wears the most elegant of satin, lace, and a material so sheer, you’d think there is but naked flesh underneath… a bit like silk, but even thinner and more transparent… don’t fret, if you really want a muse like this, they are but an invite away…

Until I can find my rhythm once again, I am awash with worry, guilt, and confusion. How will I find the time and the perfect place, and environment to continue on with the second installment? I don’t expect any answers believe it or not, I’m just ranting and raving over something that will in one way or another, solve itself as it always has. But I do thank you for listening…

Historical Tapestry; the War between Good and Evil

Divine wars

Divine Wars; the Awakening, was born after a trial and error of sorts. I thought it would be a story of reincarnation and the threads that weave us through past lives and as a result, one another. However, it was not to be what I thought or should be for that matter.

As I began to write, something happened: something bigger, more creative, and infinitely more intelligent flowed through me. My story really, turned out to be about angels and demons. But not the kind that you read about in other richly told stories, or even the biblical ones. This story turned out to be even more than I was humanly capable of imagining.

The historical tapestry of the eternal war between good and evil rages on through today, and will into the future and many generations to come, will also tell tales. But will they talk about this war? The one that happens in our daily lives at any given time, at every conceivable moment? The one where a human who has walked in the light and talked of the light, suddenly becomes dark? Or how about the one that has bathed and lived and trudged joyfully through the dark, only to be struck violently by shards of piercing light?

I don’t know that I have truly done this story justice; it is one that is shared with me via divine whisperings, the kind you don’t hear, yet listen to avidly. As if waking from a dream, only to realize you were dreaming while you lived your reality.

This is not a story I can easily describe, and though I’ve done my best to write up a descriptive synopsis on the back cover of the book, I can honestly say it’s only the beginning of a living, breathing, and often times ethereal story; one that beckoned the angels to my side, as they whispered their sacred secrets into my ears… and they continue. Though I have finished the first installment of ‘Divine Wars; the Awakening”, so Divine Wars; at Dawn, is born.

Stay tuned.

~And they come, so as they may be turned, to a way never gone back to, to be forgotten, only to repeat the steps as if in an exquisite dance… and so they come, to hear the many truths, yet unborn, and unimagined. –Archangel Ramiel.