Heart at war

To err, is to be human. The problem with vulnerability, is that it produces fear. And from there, my ability and readiness to protect my own heart.
(Photo: Herman Pauccara-Frozen Wave Against Sunlight: Pexels.com)

I often wonder lately – is my heart at war, or is war in my heart? What is war? I mean really, countless wars are fought all over the world; civil war in other war-torn countries is paramount. I’m not talking about those wars; it’s my own inner war that I’m going to carry on about. My own heart-torn war.
As a spiritual practitioner, I have access to past-life memories. And I remember. All too well. Sins of karmic past won’t be easily maneuvered around. Of those of you reading this, perhaps if only a few, or even if only one of you can relate, well then, I’ve done my job. Remembering my past-lives’ actions isn’t easy. In fact, it’s painful. Remembering battles, I fought in the 13th and 14th centuries as a knight in northern Europe, and beheading and conquering during those gruesome acts, isn’t something to be proud of.
Yet strangely, the act of fighting is as natural to me as breathing. Back then, it was to fight for king and country. Now? What do I fight for? Today, April 5, 2019? As I write this, I hear my dolphin wind chimes as they clash, twist, and rub against each other – the music enchanting, beautiful, crisp, and yet calming at the same time. The raging wind casts long shadows of tree branches and small leaf buds as they prepare to spring into life soon – a birth of sorts. A refreshing breeze cleanses and releases the stuffiness of vestiges of winter through my open windows.
Today, right now, what am I fighting for? All of that. My right to be human. To allow myself the privilege of feeling. To feel peace as the music of wind chimes fills my living space; to hear the beautiful music of birds as they celebrate the spring, warmth, and summer soon on its way. To give myself permission to feel confusion; that which only the heart can create in such a perfect and chaotic state. And this is where the clash happens – peace and war – war and peace. It’s as if I tell myself I can’t dare to be at odds with myself or others – after all, I strive for spiritual enlightenment. It’s as if I can’t’ be human. And yet, it’s within that vulnerability that peace and wisdom spring forth. To err, is to be human. The problem with vulnerability, is that it produces fear. And from there, my ability and readiness to protect my own heart. A vicious cycle. Yet I insist I can be a peaceful warrior. And that is what my challenge is this year, 2019. What’s yours?
Many blessings,



(Royalty free pics from Pixabay; arid canyon

It’s a tail spin

reeling you in

a fight you

don’t understand

and never asked

to land

And you cringe

at the far edges you hang

at the fringe

the cliff high

your chin scrapes

against the crumbling rock

You find your footing

sound of rock breaking

sound of your fear choking

and your foot slips

in desperation

did you find the right spot?

Where your foot holds

and your body tenses

against the tight mold

that is your mind

as you fight to stay alive

and all for what?

The right to say what is real

what is true

who is you

right on cue

to be punished

to be hung

But your foot is on the right rung

as you hang in the balance

help comes

is it heavenly?

Ii it humanly?

or is it you saving yourself?

©Sandi Martinez

The thing about writing


Writing really, truly, is a creative and nearly magical process. Even in writing works of non-fiction, there is this place the creator must be: In the head. The mind becomes a block of words. Words that must capture what is funneling through the writer’s mind – thus depositing in as much as a transparent, and articulate flow of intention as possible – into the reader’s mind.

All writers know this. But the thing about writing, is that ‘getting there’ to that place of magical depositing, is the most difficult and frustrating process of writing. Because once you are there, the words take on this wonderful world of their own. Almost as if the words don’t need the writer anymore.

I wish I could be there more often. I wish I could get out of my head, and let the flow of creativity flow through my body, where it would then circle around back and dump all that colorful and wonderful world of magic that has ceased to exist into my empty mind.

But the truth is, I’ve needed to empty my mind. A mental hibernation of sorts was called for in order to get me here; writing this piece about not being there. And so I wait. I wait for the warmth of words, and the fire in the belly, that will expose them and order them into a semblance of story – a perfect chaos of magical ironies, and a hot mess of emotions that will spur me to keep tapping on these keys.

So until then folks… keep writing, reading, and writing until you find yourself again, should you be in a similar place.

Many blessings,



Divine You

tree_550 pix

Sheets of light

Wrap around me

And then flow through me

And suddenly underneath me


As if I’m walking on light

So bright

The reflection of white

Bounces back and all around


On the ground

Tears abound

How can I deserve this?

Silence, not a sound


I close my eyes

Blinding streaks

Burn through

And then I see finally,

The Divine you


©Sandi Martinez

Peace, a Natural State of Being

apple orchard_525 pix.jpg

Intentions – they outline our thoughts, that then lead to action. Simply put, without intention, there is no outline. We may have random thoughts that buzz around what we want, and think is the best course of action. But in reality, when we put those thoughts out to pasture, what seeds will they birth?

My neighbor, (where the above pic is taken) has this amazing apple orchard. It looks as if snow has covered all the trees, and yet conversely, there is grass; water pooling underneath, providing the nutrients these apple trees will need to survive. I was in awe. This pic symbolized peace.

Peace. A natural state of being we can achieve when not held down by negativity, fear, and self-loathing. The kind we do when we chop ourselves up into a million pieces thinking, ‘I could’ve done better’. Peace, the decision I made at the start of 2018. And you may ask, ‘Well, how’s that going so far?’ to which I would respond, ‘Splendidly’. Because if I think even for a minute that all of life’s big bombers have a chance of taking me down, I’ve already failed. But no. That’s not the case.

Serenity is something that we all I would like to think, like to achieve. But really, it’s during the chaos, the pain, the unforeseen bombs that come our way, that if we can maintain a modicum of peace through it all; that peace ultimately is born. Chaos is always there. Peace is always there. Ultimately, it’s a choice. If we maintain peace through the most difficult chaotic moments, we have ultimately slipped on the long-lasting effects of serenity.

That’s the blessing and miracles that peace offers. The constant chance of breathing, exhaling, inhaling, and exhaling again, all the bad, negative, evil, and ugly-tasting things in life, we don’t need to absorb. The things that miracles are made of.

Keep, keeping on…

Many blessings,



Side effects


One of the most common side effects of spiritual growth, is temper-tantrum-throwing. Yes, that’s right – stomping our feet, clawing at the floor or walls for dear life, as life pulls us ever deeper into the light. Screaming, yelling fits, self-pity, and yes, the recognition of all said behaviors above.

At the same time, this is absolutely beautiful. A painful, embarrassing, and beautiful process. And this is what I run into when people call me for a reading. And this is why I call it Divine Guidance. When I work with individuals from all walks of life, and they’re trusting me with sharing their problems, while looking for answers; I am filled with hope. I am honored.

Why? Because this is a sign that people want to change. They want to grow. They want and need or are looking for something different. I say a prayer prior to each reading. My prayer asks that the universe bring those to me, who are truly open to not only hearing the divine truth, but also are ready to make solid and ground-breaking progress on their path.

But what about those that aren’t there yet? Ahhh… a spiritual advisor can’t be picky. We can’t just want to help those that are ready and willing to be helped. Sometimes, it’s the ones that are the most confused, hurting, and broken people that are led to us – and most readily are the ones that require our patience, kindness, understanding, compassion, and light. These are the temper-tantrum throwers, and interestingly enough, are the ones I learn from the most.

Today, I say to universe, bring it on!

-Many blessings,